Monday, February 25, 2008

Searching

There are only 4 days left until the end of February and the beginning of March. The start of the third month of 2008. Time is flying by so fast now that I'm older, it went so slow when I was young.

Am I accomplishing or attempting to accomplish anything that I've wanted for the new year? http://michelleolw.blogspot.com/2008/01/what-i-want-for-2008.html Not really. The main struggle is the TV. I did call to cancel it once, but they offered me such a great deal to stay that I caved and took it. So, we still have the tv. I'm very weak when it comes to this. I have no problem telling the children they can't watch it. But, when it comes to me, I'm too easily enticed by it. I'm totally hypocritical about the whole situation. I want the children to be creative and to get bored, but me? I don't want to get bored. I like having the electronic entertainment when I just need to relax. Isn't that crazy? In order to really relax I need to relax my mind, not have it zone out. I too often use it as a way of avoiding what I need to do or doing things with the kids. It's wrong. Am I putting it above my family, above my own sanity, above my God? Yes. I am. I don't spend as much or more time praying or reading God's word as I do watching tv.

I know it's disappointed God because it's disappointing me. He wants alone time with me, he craves it. And I want it too. I really do. So, why does everything in my human nature seem to distract me or resist it? Shouldn't my hunger for God be as natural as breathing? Is it simply my humanness that gets in the way or is it something more? Am I scared to learn more, afraid that he might use me in ways I'm not ready to be used..teaching, missions, church work, hospital visits, etc? I feel like my time is so full now with the 4 kids and housework that I wouldn't even have to for that if I really did want to begin it. I'm not a very confident, self-assured person and being in those situations would be way out of my comfort zone. Is this why I seem to resist?

I want to be a totally joy-filled person who just exudes the light of Christ. I know I'm not there. I'm a believer who loves God and strives to be more like him. But I'm not fully living in His glory it seems. Does this come from reading his word and praying more? Am I making myself miss out by being in this loop of resistance?

I have lots of thinking and re-prioritizing to do.

3 comments:

Tina Louise said...

I know what you mean...but after years of striving to perfect myself, God finally showed me that He will change me little by little in His timing...all I need to do is be willing to change and love Him while He does it!

Blessings to you,
Love, Tina :)

Tina Louise said...

Hey Michelle, you won't believe this...but we both changed our blog backgrounds at the same time and we chose the same one...great minds think alike, LOL!

Love, Tina :)

Michelle said...

Thank you for your comment, Tina! I know he'll change me..in his time. It's just hard to wait, KWIM?

Your blog looks great, btw! LOL I really want something cheerful and bright, but can't get exactly what I want. I wish I had more colors to choose from to change the background.